(n.) Portugese the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost.
Someone has my heart. I know this when she took it with her as the already vast distance between us has widen with her departure from my life. The 4,965.18 miles between us feels minute, to say the least, in contrast to the vacuity that now lingers behind.
I promised her my all. A girl that grabbed my attention the first time we shared a “hello”. Who knew something that started with something so simple would unleash a torrent of emotions and memories that are now forever etched in my mind. A girl that I didn’t initially meet in person but was the most palpable person that grabbed and shook my soul. To share a temporary parting with her, with the hopes of returning to what we once shared, I feel both anxious and sanguine.
It has just past a week and the thoughts and emotions I am wrestling with made it seem as if it was an eternity. She has triggered every synapse in my mind and risen every goosebump on my body. I shared some of my deepest thoughts and she has shown me some of hers. The nights we stayed up conversing, despite the 6 hour difference and without knowing the hands on the clock were flying, the laughs we shared, how we explored and probed each others mind. Finally flying out to her, so that we may hold hands, breathe each others air, feel each others warmth and share kisses. The simple things most relationships take for granted but we ached for- each other’s presence. The impermanent time we laid on the beach, blithely to anything else, and how we gazed into each other’s soul. How her beautiful smile, made me melt. Every one of these thoughts, I feel an overabundance of happiness and a crippling pain. I hunger to share these emotions I feel for you, to tell you that I love you, everyday.
To say that you’re on my mind is an understatement.
Timing was always on our side. We shared common thought, often disputing who claimed it first. Two disbelievers of “soul mates”, redefining and manifesting the essence that we are “meant to be”. The blissful vulnerability and pure happiness I felt in her presence, how words always seem so superfluous for the moments, there is no other way to describe exuberance.
I sit here in dismay, for all the convictions I was not able to uphold. The letter that I was writing to her that is wedged in my sketchbook, the unfinished painting, overdue, sitting in my closet gathering dust, all the dreams and promises that we discussed with buoyant smiles and hopeful hearts now in uncertainty. I admittedly am scared, that these feelings we shared will disappear and never felt again.
We confessed and gave into our emotions for each other, fully cognizant of the hindrances and difficulties that lingered in our forthcoming. However we didn’t have the chance to jump- it was ephemeral. Two lovers ripped apart by disapproval and proximity. Despite this, we spoke of a time where you would join me here, and I confidently look forward to that day.
The day where what we share, will be reified, acknowledged, and reestablished.
My wonderful, awesome, sweetest girlfriend, got me a french coffee press that makes the best cup of morning coffee.
I love you, Mary Helen.
Leonard Nimroy and Jimmy Hendrix, 1970
If you like the relaxing atmosphere of submarine surroundings the Medusae lamp collection by Roxy Russell could be your interior solution.
I remember doing this, practice drawing eyes over and over and over
I want to be that kind of father.